i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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