I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
