If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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