You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
