just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
