Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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