I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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