Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
