giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
