Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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