Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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