i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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