I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
he thought i was a dude.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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