My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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