I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
