I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
