just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Boobs are out for the taking
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
