i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
