True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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