Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My hand turned me down
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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