moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
