bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
