WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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