Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
