you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
