I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
