At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
