Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
