Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
