Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
