Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
