True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
