***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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