I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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