Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
