Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
