I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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