So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
