i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
