I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
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