You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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