thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
