By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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