the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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