I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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