I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
