Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
