Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
