he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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