Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
