why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
There are leaves in my underwear?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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