Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Everclear isn't food dammit
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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