I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
