she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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