I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
